birthday thoughts #rant

This time of year for me is always a weird one. I guess you could call it the birthday blues? I always feel uneasy when this period of time comes around. I'll say it like it is, my birthday fucking sucks. Every year.

Look, I'm the type of person who likes to celebrate the achievements I've made throughout the year, and I think your birthday is the best time to do this. My perfect birthday since I was little was to have all my loved ones come together, to well, celebrate me. Congratulate me. Hug me. Tell me I've done well and pray for me to be better. That's all I could ever ask for yet that's the one thing I continue to not receive.

A phrase I like to believe is that, 'People make time for those things in which they care about'.

Don't get me wrong, when I receive 'happy birthday!' messages on my socials, I'm always thankful to those who go out of their way to congratulate me, but I guess you could say I put my loved ones to a higher standard than I would my work colleges and classmates who aren't a huge part of my life like my friends and family are (or should be). I don't expect them to throw me a surprise birthday, and I don't expect people to take time off work or other commitments to see me. But when I plan a day where everyone can come and no one bothers, it hurts. When I remind people of my desire to do something for my birthday and people choose to make plans on that day, it hurts.

I had a friend once, someone who I considered my best friend actually, say they couldn't make it to my birthday dinner because she had to study for her exams. Understandable right? Well, on the day of my dinner as I was on my way to the restaurant, I saw this same friend having dinner with all her classmates. Yeah.. My birthday is a constant, yearly reminder that for me, this phrase does not apply to me. Or maybe it does. Maybe those people truly don't have time for me. But if this is the case, then does that mean I cannot even rely on my best friends to celebrate my birthday? Does this mean my family who should love and support me, don't have time for me? These are the thoughts that run through my mind every year.

I'm so grateful when I receive physical gifts. People going out of their way to buy me something with their own money when they themselves are trying to make ends meet. It fills me with joy to receive gifts. However, for some reason, I always feel uneasy when I thank them. "You didn't need to spend money on me!" I always say this to them. They brush it off, but I truly meant what I said. They didn't need to spend money on me. My love languages are physical affection and actions of love. Those things don't cost anything.

I wondered if its a simple case of love languages being such a complicated concept. I would like to believe this to be true, but when you tell people "all I want is to spend time with you today" and they still chose to not do so year after year, they still chose to make other plans instead of spending it with you, they still chose that 1 day out of the 365 they get each year to do something other than spend it with me. A lot of them say "we can do something super fun next year, i promise", "don't worry, next year will be a blast, i'll make sure of it", "we have the rest of our lives to celebrate together", but that just doesn't happen....it just makes me think that no one really cares.

Maybe they don't, and that's fine. I would just like to be told that from the start so I'm not left with false hope every year.

I guess this is just me ranting about how shit I feel each year. It's difficult I feel like I shouldn't be having these thoughts. Some people don't receive anything on their birthday. Some people don't have friends or family to celebrate it... but then maybe that's what upsets me the most. I have friends and family to celebrate with, they just chose not to.

I want to put on a brave face and pretend that everything is fine. That I don't mind not doing anything on my birthday. But I do. I really fucking do. I would watch kid shows where they would have birthday parties for their friends. Or variety shows of adults celebrating their friends birthday at the bar. Or chic flicks of the girls boyfriend taking her out to a candle lit dinner overlooking the city. Or a family surprising their birthday girl who had a rough day at work. I just wish I could have that too.

 I hate people asking me "so what did you do?" and when looking sympathetic when I tell them I didn't do anything for my birthday because no one, including them, bothered to make time for me when I arranged a date to celebrate. I considered doing something on my own, taking a trip to the spa or watching a movie on my own, but every time I tried to get up and get ready, the amount of sadness that flowed through me was so unbearable I just laid back down and cried.

I wrote this yesterday.

Yesterday was my birthday. I spent most of it sleeping. I watched master of none on netflix, it reminded me of the realities of life, and comforted me. When I was done moping around, I watched Bratz, the animated show on youtube, and it made me think about my childhood and how it's shaped me to be who I am today. That's a post for another day.

Until then,

Minae.